Monday, August 31, 2009

why I have a blog

I was going to go to bed on time tonight so I won't have an excuse for snoozing through an early morning run tomorrow. Then I read just one more chapter in my book. It wasn't yet too late, in fact I was on course for turning in earlier than usual and was debating picking up my book again for one more chapter. But then I checked my Reader before shutting iTunes. Tiffany's post was titled "Why I Write" and I knew why. I don't mean to say I know why Tiffany writes (except for my personal entertainment of course), I mean, I know why she was writing on this particular topic on this particular Monday night. Because she is participating in another blogger's School Day's Seminar - in particular the creative writing seminar. I kept the post open on my screen most of the day at work and toggled back to it every so often to review the prompts - all the while knowing which one I wanted to write on, just not feeling the inspiration to properly express the why of it.

Sitting here on my couch with the nearly full moon shining in my window with the closest building's lights nearly all extinguished and the soft beat of Massive Attack playing in my living room, I cannot say I have anything in the form of a concrete explanation as to why I write my inner most thoughts and feelings here for public consumption other than to say I write because I have to.

There are times when words completely consume me and practically burst out of my head begging to be captured on paper, on a computer - anywhere for future reference. If you could see my desk at work, among the post-its scattered to the right of my phone with phone numbers and dates and the usual type of reminders you will see a neon green post-it that reads: "sand = brown sugar", similar post-its have odd fragments such as "yellow coke sweatshirt" and a notebook has a rough outline of future divorce chapters in a loose chronology. And if you could catch a glimpse into my purse you would inevitably stumble upon the small mole-skin notebook I always carry with incomplete thoughts and phrases and feelings and chronologies and quotes and words I love scrawled in my scribbled, slanted writing. Here at home I have notebooks and journals and more post-its and scraps of paper with these words that stream through me and beg to be captured - there are journals and spiral notebooks on my nightstand, notepads in my computer hutch, a plastic crate filled with printed emails and older journals and filled travel diaries.

Are these collections of words in their various forms impressive for anything but their frequent proliferation? That is doubtful. More often than not I cringe at my own naivete, silliness, stubborness, ridiculousness upon re-reading these urgent words that felt important enough at the time to keep - especially those earnest teenage words of angst that are so cringe-worthy in retrospect. And yet, these words are me. Like it or not I can see who I was, what I was, where I come from, what I thought, what I felt, what I liked, what I disliked, who I liked and for better or worse there is no hiding from that perspective when I see it captured there in my own handwriting, my own voice that sometimes sounds foreign after time has changed its timbre.

I write to keep myself honest.
I write to remember.
I write to sort out thoughts.
I write to comb through feelings.
I write from stress.
I write to wallow in pain.
I write to rejoice.
I write out my fears.
I write out my loneliness.
I write out my sorrow.
I write to express what feels inexpressible.
I write to push myself.
I write to learn more about myself.
I write to encourage myself.
I write to laugh.
I write to stretch my own limits.
I write to analyze.
I write to create.
I write to cry.
I write for joy.
I write to worry.
I write to doubt.
I write to calm my doubt.
I write to question.
I write to celebrate.
I write to move forward.
I write to linger in the past.
I write for comfort.
I write for hope.

I blog to share.
I blog to feel connected.
I blog to touch others.
I blog to practice.
I blog for encouragement.
I blog to give my writing purpose.

4 comments:

Travelin'Oma said...

I love all your reasons for blogging, but especially the last one. You've summed it up well.

Tiffany said...

Such a great post! I understand so much of what you expressed and am fascinated with your own individual viewpoint. I'm so glad you blog--it kept us connected, even when we were far away!

Jessica said...

Wow, you have inspired me to write down the things that go through my head.

Artax said...

Yup. Those are my reasons to write, too. Nicely done.

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