Saturday, March 10, 2007

scattered pieces

Do you ever feel as if the person inside of you is not being adequately portrayed to those around you? I don't mean physically because I am sure we all have a svelte and sultry image of ourselves that doesn't often make the public appearances we hope for. No, I am referring to the idealized image we each create inside our heads of who we want to become one day - the woman we want others to see us as. Sometimes we recognize this ideal realized in another woman and we react with jealousy, longing or feelings of inadequacy; wishing that inner version of self could climb out to manifest herself to the world full time. Other times this buried personae climbs out and presents herself as a mere amateur of what she could be.

I chose my blogger name based on the various versions of me who rotate from the back recesses of my imagination to the forefront of reality depending on the environment in which I am operating. You see, my soul - the stark, enduring essence of me - is comprised of a number of often conflicting versions of myself. I repeatedly find myself struggling to fuse these inconsonant pieces together.

I am sometimes reminded of one of the more neglected pieces and I struggle to understand why I continually evade and slight things I love to pursue another brighter, shinier image that may be closer at hand. This state of reflection is generally preceded by a mood of reminiscence and nostalgia which leads to introspection. The main version of my self who continually dominates is Workaholic Lawyer. She has great shoes, a nice apartment and fun toys but other components fall by the wayside. . . I begin missing Hippie, Rock Climbing me or Sports Nut me, Music Obsessed me, Baker/Entertainer me or yogi me. I also yearn for potential version of myself who seem unattainable.


tiff said...

Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I often have the feeling when interacting with others (especially in my neck of the woods) that it is a rare experience that anybody looks at me and sees the whole person. I think people think an quickly judge and decide things about a person within seconds. I really try not to be that way, but I'm sure I do it more often than I think.

I also know what you mean about feeling like parts of you are conflicting. For the longest time, I felt weird that my two preset radio stations were NPR and an alternative rock station. I'd listen to one exlusively for a while, then switch to the other when I felt like another part of me was being squeezed out.

mickey said...

You put that so well. I understand Alyssa, I feel as though there is so much of me I neglect and wish I could collect all my pieces and show them to the world in a beautiful collage. I am so grateful to see your pieces as I read your blog. My love and appreciation for you has grown, and I feel our friendship has increased.

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