Sunday, May 07, 2006

jumbled

I've spent a lot of time with my thoughts over the past couple of days and yet I have had a difficult time sorting them out and coming to terms with what it is I am feeling or thinking or wanting. I am sitting here hoping words will come that will help me clarify whatever it is that needs to come out. It isn't working.

I think one of the things that has been bothering me recently is the constant struggle to maintain a strong and beautiful image of myself amid constantly conflicting images and messages both internal and extrnal, real and imagined. I would have thought that by this stage in my life I would have found security and a comfort level with who I am. Yet, when I force myself to step outside my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory without external reinforcement, I am at a loss. I am not just saying I become insecure about how I am dressed or how I look. It is more than that. I lose confidence in what I have to offer and as a result I become drab and flat. I can feel it happening and become powerless to change direction.

Being single requires constant self-pep talks. It is truly exhausting.

There is so much more spinning around in my head but it is all sounding far too depressed and that isn't really expressive of my mood. I am contemplative . . . pensive. . . just trying to understand myself and how external and internal forces shape my actions.

1 comment:

tiff said...

I know what you mean. I so totally know what you mean. I think it's part of being a woman. Or maybe being human. Or maybe just American or Mormon. I don't know, but I get it.

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