Thursday, April 27, 2006

homesick

Lately a number of things have been pointing me to the conclusion that I am homesick and miss my family and Utah. I hate that I flew 6 hours to the opposite coast and 6 hours back without being able to stop and see my family. I did however get to lean over my friend as we flew over the Utah mountains and brag about how beautiful Utah is. You never fully appreciate those things until you are gone.
Another sign happened moments ago sitting in my office. I was getting the usual afternoon chocolate craving and remembered that I had stashed the chocolates left on my pillow at the hotel in my computer bag (I was far too stuffed after bored eating all through the conference to consume them there). As I opened the 2x2 Omni envelope reading "May your dreams always be sweet," I wondered if it would be Ghiradelli chocolate. It wasn't. The small wax paper bag containing one mint chocolate was made by C. Kay Cummings Candies in none other than SLC, Utah.
Trouble is I have no idea when my next trip home is. At least my parents are coming to see me in June.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I lied

the best part of the conference in San Francisco was gaining the confidence to flirt shamelessly with the oh so adorable boys from the Paris office. Oh, and having them pay lots of attention to me and sing me songs en francais and in English wasn't so bad either. The singing started with a sweet little French song about New York and then they moved on to New York, New York then Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson (which also included some dance moves).
I also liked the part where one told me my French accent (which is terrible) is "charming" and they tested my knowledge of the French custom of faire la baise - the kiss greeting - two in Paris, four in the South of France and one claims five is the custom in some distinct part of Paris in which he lives but I think he just wanted me to kiss him some more.
Nothing boosts a girl's confidence like flattery and attention from a couple of very attractive, well-dressed and funny Parisians whose attention every other girl was seeking.

good to be home


the flight was too long.
my knees were jammed against the seat in front of me for 6 hours.
JFK felt like a third-world country - especially the nasty toilets.
the luggage took ages to emerge.
my cab driver took the longest route home ever.
but he ended up driving through central park (the pic above).
it was good to end up at my apartment, order dinner online and take a nap.
now I need to get back on EST so I can get up for pilates at 645!!

I love sea lions


I just spent a couple of days in San Francisco for work. The best part was getting to see the sea lions at Fisherman's Wharf after being lectured for two long days in a conference room at the Four Seasons Hotel.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Rainy afternoon at Sotheby's


I have a friend who works in jewelry at the famous Sotheby's auction house. Another friend and I spent part of the afternoon trying on a variety of the jewels up for auction - diamonds, sapphires and emeralds, including a 2.25 carat pink diamond ring - it didn't stay on straight because it was so heavy. I learned that I really like art deco jewelery, like the ring pictured which is a platinum, diamond and sapphire ring, circa 1920 which has 1 cushion-cut diamond approximately 1.55 carats. It fit me perfectly and was my favorite, priced at a mere $5-7,000! I just wish the picture wasn't so blurry so you could see how beautiful it is.

Friday, April 21, 2006

introspection

On occassion, when I feel misunderstood, underestimated or just confused at where life has placed me at the moment, I feel as if the real me, my favorite me, is being supressed. My inner self is being pushed down and smothered deep inside the person walking around getting called by my name. I wonder when this current regime started and why I allow it to continue. I feel powerless to change the status quo. I keep casting about with the hope that I will find the connection that allows my best self to emerge. This isn't just about a boyfriend, it is finding a soul-mate - male or female. It is finding that one friend who inspires laughter without effort, one who draws me out and with whom I can conspire. The type of friend I feel compelled to call for no reason and every reason, and isn't bothered by that. A friend who will offer me enough to tempt me away from my internal refuge. Or does that not happen any more?

Walking home from work earlier this evening the air was crisp as spring temperatures slid back down to the 40s, my mind floated freely and ideas poured in as I kept a brisk pace. Beck's "True Love Will Find You In The End" teased me from my ipod. Yet the optimism of that promise warmed me. I felt part of the City's energy as I swiftly dodged tourists and dashed across busy streets against red lights. I felt contentment with where I am and as my apartment building came into sight when I crested the hill past 10th Avenue I wondered how I could live anywhere but New York City at this point? I felt a swell of pride at what I have accomplished even as I acknowledged the voice in my head questioning how long I have to do it alone. The voice that points out that many of the positives of singleton life have run stale and overlasted their welcome. But what better place to do it than Manhattan?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Giddy-up

"I gotta hitch in ma giddy-up" was the answer I received after I asked how the judge, who insisted I call him Tom, felt about walking a few blocks to a restaurant after I met him for drinks at his hotel. Now read the opening phrase again with the thickest, most exaggerated Oklahoma accent you can muster and you might understand my confusion at the response and my subsequent delight in imitating the phrase with the accent to anyone willing to listen and laugh. Judge Tom is a bankruptcy judge I know from Oklahoma who is in town for a conference of bankruptcy judges. What started as a simple email inquiry asking if I had time to meet for a drink or dinner while he was in town turned into dinner Tuesday and a cocktail party Wednesday with politely declined invitations to a Mets game Wednesday afternoon, dinner Wednesday, drinks after dinner if I freed myself from work, an undisclosed activity invitation for Thursday afternoon and a promise to send me an Oklahoma souvenir. . . "but don't worry, it's not dirty." I wasn't, until now.

Judge Tom is around 60 something and he is hilarious. Over dinner Tuesday night he advised me not to date lawyers and told me about his travels to Paris, Prague and Costa Rica. He gave me some inside scoop on my former judge and showed me pictures of his 3 dogs - all strays. He talked about his 2 kids (both quite a bit older than I am) and how he is a softy. At the cocktail party last night he introduced me to everyone as "my friend" and described me as a "rising star" to various other bankruptcy judges, including the chief judge for the southern district of New York - a big deal. He was very sweet but my radar was up constantly. Why do nice people make me overly cautious, like he might have a hidden agenda? He didn't cross any lines and yet I feared he might for no good reason other than he was enthusiastic, bordering on smothering. Oh, and he held my coat, held my chair and insisted on walking on the street side. At least he didn't try an Oklahoma hello - the musical taught me that.

In the end he told me that if I ever find myself in Tulsa, Oklahoma (can't say that is on the near horizon) I have an invitation to ride his Harley - which is how he got his nickname Boss Hog.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

weighing the options

Throughout the winter when the bone piercing wind whipped up 57th Street from the Hudson River as I trudged up the only real hill on the island of Manhattan past my neighbors - BMW and CBS, I resolved to move as soon as my lease ran out. Now that 60 and 70 degree temperatures have literally melted away the recent concern, I am torn. Today I looked at an apartment on the upper west side - here is a pro and con comparison list neither of which is in any real order other than stream of consciousness. Help me decide!

Current Apartment Pros:
  • Brand new - I'm the only person to live in my apartment
  • CLOSETS - 4 of them
  • Gym
  • Laundry on my floor with card access, no quarters required
  • doorman
  • my very own private pilates instructor at the gym two flights up from my apartment
  • great little organic store with the best milk ever in glass containers
  • the roof - it has grass and phenomenal views of the City, the Hudson and NJ
  • I never hear my neighbors
  • elevator
  • dishwasher
  • a/c
  • no bugs, rats or any sort of critters
  • good light
  • dish network
  • morning shuttle to Colubmus Circle
  • I can walk to work so I never ride the subway
  • street parking or parking garage for visitors

Current Apartment Cons:

  • 3 long blocks uphill to the subway
  • 2 long blocks from anything else
  • bitter, bone chilling, feels like you are naked wind in the winter
  • often difficult to get a cab - especially with the aforementioned wind
  • isolated from everything - people, stores, restaurants, etc.
  • no charm
  • no terrace or outdoor space to call my own
  • neighbors include Nissan, BMW, Lexus and CBS

UWS Apartment Pros:

  • charming - amazing details in the tall ceilings, everything you would hope for in a NYC apartment
  • two, yes two fireplaces
  • large bay window looking onto the street
  • location - West End Avenue, 1 block from the subway
  • close to everything: movie theaters, restaurants, Riverside Park, shopping, lots of singles live in the area
  • close to Central Park and the Museum of Natural History
  • fire escape terrace off the bedroom that looks into this secret garden of terraces and backyards - very sunny and green, this is my favorite feature! I could sing Moon River sitting out there contemplating my life a la Audrey Hepburn
  • large living room with dining area
  • brand new bathroom with great vanity lights and clean, clean, clean
  • beautiful hardwood floors

UWS Apartment Cons:

  • old
  • walk-up but only on the second floor so not really an issue
  • no doorman
  • no dishwasher
  • no laundry
  • questionable as to whether or not there are rats, mice or other creepy crawly things that might also call it home
  • no A/C
  • there is a window without any type of shade - IN THE SHOWER!! the broker claimed no one could see you
  • 1 closet, that is a killer I would probably have to purge a lot of stuff and/or get storage space somewhere
  • small kitchen and not a lot of cupboard space, I have lots of kitchen stuff because I love to cook
  • no gym - I'd probably stop working out completely
  • Commute: I'd have to ride the subway to work and there really isn't one that goes directly to my office
  • I'd have to pay a broker's fee- probably would be a lot, no idea how much
  • rent is the same as where I am now
  • I would have to change my blog because I would no longer be in the 10019 zip code

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tipping Over a Coke Machine: A Story of Closure on 14th Street

Perched on a swivel stool at the end of an old-fashioned lunch counter with a dry chocolate glazed donut in front of me intently concentrating on swirling a cup of hot chocolate grasped with both hands, I had doubt.
He had apologized. He finally admitted that he said some hurtful things that he did not believe were true. His eyes were sincere and pleading. I was stoic, emotionless. But inside I wondered. How much easier would it be to give in? I stared ahead at the trays of donuts wondering how long they had sat there under the flourescent lights. It is after 11 pm, do they really make donuts only during pre-dawn hours even at a 24 hour Donut Pub? He picked at my donut and commented on how dry it was. I looked away from him and down the long counter at the other people enjoying their late-night donut fix. Their conversations were light and airy, I could feel the weight of mine even as he touched my leg and then my side playfully, trying to reclaim what we so briefly had. Was I being unreasonble and unrelenting - stubborn? Am I missing an opportunity out of pride? I gave him opportunities, I made the right choice. He questioned that and said "there is no one in New York City I would rather be with." I didn't budge. With a sigh he stood up and took out his wallet and removed 2-3 bills and dropped them on the counter and left. After all of tonight's persistence and everything he had endured to talk to me, he had submitted to defeat. It was really over.

* * * *
How did we end up at the Donut Pub on 14th Street late Monday night? I reviewed the night in my head as I slowly asked for the bill, paid and walked out into the chilly night air wondering if he would be waiting outside the door. He wasn't. This was one of those nights I half-expected to see a camera crew filming a snippet of the drama of my life, but this wasn't scripted.
At the church around the corner I played Family Feud host - I was loud and obnoxious and the center of attention for a room of more than 60 singles. While I was pushing people for answers and yelling "Survey Says" and making a hideously obnoxious buzzer noise for wrong answers - I saw him enter the room. I didn't think he would show up. I continued outwardly unphased. To make things more awkward, in walked his ex-girlfriend and her friend who had given me a warning to "be careful" a month or so ago, of what I'm still not sure.
When the game ended I tried to mingle but I didn't want a confrontation with him or the warning girls. I bounced between a few conversations. Several times I thought he had left, only to discover he was still there, waiting for me. I organized the clean-up and gladly accepted an invitation to grab dinner near by with a few girls. As I was walking out with the bishop's wife, the Boy tried to pull me back to talk but I was propelled along with others and the momentum of my conversation and I successfully evaded him.
On the street 15-20 people were lingering. My dinner friends were leaving and called out to me to hurry up because they were hungry. I trotted off after them. I asked if he was following and I felt like an immature school girl for avoiding him. I know how that hurts but I was caught up in it. I didn't want another fight. I didn't want more accusations and I didn't need to be told things I was doing wrong. A couple of the girls knew about the short-lived relationship and the ending. They confirmed that he was not following and suddenly the conversation as we walked was all assurances from them that I didn't have to talk to him - I was justified in ignoring and avoiding him. Yet I still felt a twinge of guilt. We rounded the corner and made it to the next block - one girl wanted Gray's Papya, the rest of us wanted a diner. Immobilized by indecision we stood on the corner sorting it out while the one girl got her hot dog and we looked for a diner. Another girl decided to run across the street to get cash from a bank atm and after she left I decided to do the same - it also allowed me to stop answering questions about the Boy. I shouldn't trash him, that isn't fair. I shouldn't vent so publicly.
I broke away and dashed across the street. Steps away from reaching the sidewalk, I recognized the three figures lingering at the top of the subway entrance - the Boy and two others from the activity. I panicked! I couldn't turn around but I couldn't talk to him there, not like that, not with those two other guys there. What do I do? I quickly walked past them and into the ATM vestibule to find my friend there and we laughed at the irony and wondered what to do in leaving. Would they still be there? I confessed that I felt bad and told her I needed to grow up and have some respect for his feelings. I felt bad for ignoring his calls and then brushing him off so brutally.
We walked out and chatted with the boys - before we could stop it they had invited themselves to get food with us. As we rejoined our group on the other side of the intersection we were met with startled looks. Yes, the one person I was avoiding is now joining us. Our newly expanded group of 8 found a diner and sprawled across a couple of tables pushed together and reviewed the voluminous menu offering everything from kebabs and pasta to pancakes and wine. I had no appetite but ordered a grilled cheese with tomato. The Boy initially tried to take the seat next to me and changed his mind and sat across the table. Another guy I took a group trip with last 4th of July took the seat next to me. He flirted with me and I shamelessly flirted back. Then regretted it and tried to include the Boy and establish a norm between us. He reached out to my friend. It was awkward. I felt thrust back in time to those high school and college days when a massive group would descend upon the local all-night Dees or Village Inn and order water and fries because only one person was really hungry. A rowdy group with supressed drama.
As we were all leaving the Boy asked to talk to me. I told him I had promised to take a cab with someone. Out on the sidewalk as everyone said their goodbyes he stood close by my side, even brushing up against me. He then boldly told my friend that he needed to talk to me and asked if she minded that we didn't share a cab. Her face was shocked and confused as she walked back to the subway. I was surprised, I didn't know what he was going to say. I didn't know what I was going to say. But I didn't think anything he could say would effect my resolve.
With everyone gone I looked at him expectantly and he invited me to the McDonald's across the street so we could sit, a welcome invitation as I was in very high heels and carrying 3 bags - my usual far too heavy purse, my laptop and a projector from the Family Feud. I passed the two heavier bags to him without his invitation and followed him. This particular McDonald's did not have what he wanted because it is "Express." I didn't want anything, I hadn't wanted the grilled cheese from the last stop. We stood on the street in the wind and he started talking but it was cold, my feet hurt and we were near a dark corner that smelled like urine. So we ended up on stools at the Donut Pub.

****
Ironically, in book-end fashion, the night ended one block from where our first date ended only I felt cold instead of floating. It is true, breaking up is like tipping over a Coke machine, you have to rock it back and forth a few times before it will topple. I think it has finally toppled and hopefully our talk gave him the closure he needed. So why am I left with so many open questions?

Monday, April 17, 2006

fun-filled weekend

I'm tired of having obligation weekends full of things I have to do even if the weather is beautiful and I'd rather read a book on my roof. As you are aware I pulled the plug on the Boy on Thursday so Friday I was feeling free and ready to reclaim my solo time. Around 600 I received a call - from the Boy, asking if I wanted to see a movie. I literally asked him if he was aware that we broke up the night before. He claimed we should do something fun then talk afterward. I started to relent, thinking it wouldn't be so bad to go see a movie and breaking up on the phone kind of sucks so maybe he needs closure, blah, blah, blah. . . but as the invitation progressed and escalated into me realizing he wanted me to drop everything and go see the absolute worst movie playing in theaters now (and that is a tough call considering how bad all of the movies are right now) and then call me uncompromising when I suggest 5 other movies I would see other than that one . . . I chose not to go and once again I realized he is definitely not the guy for me. So I opted to spend Friday night doing my taxes and ignoring his call and voicemessage. Taxes was far more enjoyable - at least the Feds want to give me back lots of money although NY State basically sucks and I have to turn around and give them a chunk.
Saturday was equally obligation filled - I had a bridal shower to go to for which I had volunteered to help which meant not only did I have to go buy a shower gift, I also had to go grocery shopping and then make queso and brownies - a very odd combo to make all at once.
Here is my favorite comment from the bridal shower: "isn't it funny how we are all dating people now?" this from a friend who is clearly head over heels for this new guy she is dating and had just learned that I was dating someone but just broke up with him. When I pointed out that I was no longer dating someone she did this kind of airy "But still . . . " Right, that is exactly what I want to hear at a bridal shower the day after a break up. At that point I only missed being able to tell people I had a boyfriend, not the actual boy.
Sunday I had to give a talk so Saturday night and Sunday morning was filled up by that. Then I went to an impromptu Easter dinner. I took a respectable Easter dish of funeral potatoes but the other course turned out to be macaroni and cheese. I've never had a dinner with two items covered in corn flakes (mine was actually Special K). Even after the dinner (at which people chose to reveal all of their bizarre misgivings about the Boy now that we are broken up) there was no relaxing. I had to finish preparing this dumb activity I have dreamed up for ward family home evening - Family Feud! I sent around a survey about a month ago and now I've compiled it all and the details are really just too much work. Tonight is the big night. We are pitting my ward against another singles ward - yeah, the Boy's singles ward. I'm hoping he doesn't show up and if he does he doesn't make it awkward. Oh yeah, I ignored two more calls from him over the weekend - one Saturday and one Sunday. I just want it to fade out.

Friday, April 14, 2006

the right choice

I have not really given an update on all of the Boy drama so here is a quick review of the past two weeks: we'd fight, I'd apologize, I would think we were broken up, he would pretend nothing ever happened and call or come over, then we'd end up in another fight and cycle through again. It was reaching the point where I felt like George on Seinfeld - the one where he broke up with the girl and she would say "no, George, what we have is too important."
I really do not understand what was causing these fights although I was getting a lot of the blame because I argue too much - he would generally make this accusation when I was pretty neutral, just expressing my thoughts or feelings. I tried to explain to him that I am animated and passionate about many things and so there are times where it may sound like I am angry but I am not at all. I could be explaining something that happened at work or my viewpoint on some issue unrelated to us and he would tell me to "calm down." It would take me by surprise and soon I was angry because he would try and talk me down. I tried to explain and he didn't get it.
But he kept coming back and I kept thinking maybe there was something there, maybe I've been too stressed out or PMS has been influencing me or something . . . until last night when a simple "I don't want to see a movie tonight" quickly devolved into him telling me he would just go home (if I wouldn't see a movie, we wouldn't do anything) and then he told me to calm down, so I hung up on him.
There are many, many times when I have wanted to hang up on people but something always stops me. I can't remember the last time I actually did it. That is when I realized this person brings out my worst self. A few minutes later I tried calling back to apologize but I got his voicemail. He was in the subway on his way home. I left a long apology message.
About three hours later he called me back. In the interim period I spoke with a couple of friends trying to understand what I should do, trying to get an outside perspective to see if I was as bad as he was telling me. I recognized my blame in this argument and every argument but I was beginning to realize that was all he saw as well - he took no responsibility for the miscommunication and the escalating aftermath. We talked for nearly two hours and the longer we talked, the more I realized this is the worst possible relationship for me. I don't like the person he portrays me as - if that is who I really am I have a long way to go before I can function in any relationship. He told me he thinks I'm a manipulator and I asked him what his definition of that was and he said a liar. He later tried to say he hadn't called me a liar but never apologized for it. Near the end he tried to say he would call me or wanted to see me today. I told him that unless he could apologize for calling me a liar and a manipulator then I had no desire to see or talk to him again because I was deeply offended. He couldn't or wouldn't do it.
Today I feel relieved. I feel bad it didn't work out and I feel it is a reinforcement of how alone I am and it is discouraging to think that it went bad so quickly but I am also proud of myself for having enough conviction to walk away and not stay in it because I am lonely.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

guilt

things I have procrastinated too long and now feel are weighing me down (in no particular order of importance):
  • taxes - yeah it is somehow April 12th already and I have yet to do my taxes
  • wedding gifts - I've missed at least 3 weddings in the last month or two for which I have yet to send gifts
  • shower gifts - at least these are in the future, one bridal shower this saturday and another the following week
  • flowers - I was supposed to send flowers on behalf of some friends, didn't do it. now it is too late. I haven't confessed to my friends yet.
  • prescription - dropped off a prescription and couldn't be bothered to wait for it monday and tuesday night I just couldn't bring myself to walk back a block after I passed the pharmacy. hopefully the asthma doen't kick in.
  • dentist - I really don't want to talk about it but it has been a long time, really need to find one.
  • dermatologist - I have a weird mole that has morphed and should be removed I'm sure.
  • doctors - now that I think about it I think I am supposed to go see other doctors around now as well so I can continue to get prescriptions......... why can't my body just funciton on its own free of the aid of medication?
  • apartment - I didn't get around to signing or reviewing my lease so now I need to find a new apartment, before the end of May. Probably sooner since I will have to move before the end of May.
  • Talk - I have to speak in church on Sunday, Easter Sunday. I gave a talk last Easter too but when I dug up my notes there wasn't even one page of scribbling that doesn't even rise to the level of being called an outline
  • Easter - I have no plans. I considered hosting a dinner but never followed through.
  • The Boy - apparently we didn't break up, I kind of think we should but haven't managed to find time or opportunity to do it. I tried Monday night but once again it didn't take. Not a good thing to procrastinate.
  • work - the list is endless here.
  • Family Feud - dumb me decided ward family feud was a good idea and now I have a million things to do to plan for it and it is next Monday
  • Unpack - got home from Florida Sunday evening, haven't unpacked yet.
  • Clean apartment - I think the dust bunnies are starting to organize themselves and might soon take control of the apartment in a revolutionary coup.

Monday, April 10, 2006

call me a cynic

I hate Disney. Not the Disney I grew up with. Not the Disney of the Apple Dumpling Gang, Herbie Goes Bananas and the rest of the Don Knots movies of the 70s Disney tries to bury and pretend they never made. Not the Disneyland circa 1986 that was simple in its charm. Where Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean and the Tea Cups were the most exotic rides. I don't even hate the Disneyland of 1993 when I had a total of 2 hours to run through the park and board a bus to the Tonight Show. No, what I hate is the Disney that has cross-branded ad naseum and taken over people's (not just children's) minds by flooding them with Disney tours, Disney cruises, Disney buses that pick you up at the airport, not to mention every possible thing you can dream of cramming the word Disney or Mickey Mouse ears onto (let alone the Princess conspiracy I won't touch).
I went to Orlando for the first time ever this last weekend for my much-planned work retreat. For the most part we were sequestered far from Disneyworld at the Ritz-Carlton hotel - no complaints there. But Friday night we went to Pleasure Island which I was informed is the "adult" portion of compound Disney. Pleasure Island, Adult? I wasn't sure if I wanted to go with co-workers, or at all. Why would Disney juxtapose adult and pleasure? Had Disney taken the final leap and delved into the untapped porn industry? After all, they do own a good chunk of Times Square. The answer is no. Adult section just meant a lot of bars. Granted, not exactly a good representation of Disneyworld (I'm guessing) but the whole place reminded me of the two places in this world I truly hate - Times Square and the Las Vegas Strip. In the right mood I can steal myself to the throngs of mindless tourists and escort visiting friends and family through the madness of Times Square but I always resent the times I am forced to navigate the Times Square throngs to go about my normal life. In college I enjoyed quick trips to Vegas - of course I lived in Cedar City and there weren't a lot of options and a $4.99 buffet seemed like a good thing. That much neon, cheap souvenirs, flashing lights and people trying to get your money for nothing is more than I can handle without advance preparation and lots of sleep.
My small glimpse at Disneyworld taught me that if I ever have children and if I ever break down and agree to take them to Disneyworld, I will need to undergo significant attitude readjustment beforehand with an emergency therapist on speed dial to cope with any negative breakdowns while there.
All of that being said, even with my bad attitude, lack of sleep and cynical mocking of Orlando as a whole (the whole place was pastel stucco with strip malls - also on my list of things I dislike), I did enjoy Cirque du Soleil which was on the Disney compound.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

just what I needed

Everything is crashing in on me this week. Work is crazy due to my shift from lawyer to retreat event planner - yes casual means jeans are okay, no I do not know how many people need righty versus lefty golf clubs, no we haven't finished the seating assignments, golf pairings and session groupings yet and please would everyone just return the questionnaires to me asap! Sorry, that is what is consuming my day with only the occasional legal work sprinkled in.
The Boy didn't actually go away (and didn't stand me up Saturday, he just didn't call until 1045 and then blew it off like it wasn't a big deal and I went out with him anyway) and after a long and revealing "discussion" on Sunday I now wish he would just go away but I don't know when I will have time to tell him this - do you think I can just text him? [please realize that is what I call sarcasm - something the Boy really struggles understanding, so we obviously are not a good match but I will vent about him another time]
Adding to my stress is this whole Springing Forward business which is hitting me especially hard this time around due to my 5 hours of sleep Saturday night, 4-6 hours of semi-sleep, tossing and turning Sunday night and the 4-5 hours last night and no promise of rest through the end of the week -- although I am counting the days, hours, minutes until my spa appointment at the Ritz-Carlton on Saturday at the retreat!
Despite all of this I decided to go to homework club in Harlem anyway because I hadn't been in about a month. I ran away from the office at 3:30 and enjoyed the car ride through Central Park, the whole time envying all the people who were lucky enough to be carefree in the Park on a Tuesday afternoon even though NYC forgot it is spring again and returned to 40 degree temps. Between reading and replying to email messages on my blackberry I was able to take in the signs of spring. There are daffodils everywhere with their bright sunny faces inviting you to smile with them.
When we arrived at the school, Makayla ran over to me and gave me a big hug latching on to me with her arms around my waist begging to work with me. Seeing this Shade did the same. And to my complete surprise wild little Dymir joined the group hug as well. Makayla and Shade occasionally give me hugs but mostly when they are trying to get something from me like another snack or to try and distract me from their homework. I almost cried. They were fighting over who would get to work with me! Unfortunately that led to hurt feelings when the teacher divided them up but all my stress melted away during the brief moments of the group hug. I really love these kids.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

the boy

things are not going well.
we don't communicate and for that i blame him. whether that is fair or not.

we had a big fight on thursday night which mostly consisted of me telling him there were certain basic communication things I need then he would tell me how stubborn I am and that it is okay to change. last night he nearly broke up with me on the phone so I went to his place, apologized and took all the blame for the blow-out. we talked some. i made mac and cheese. oddly we played guesstures and watched star wars awkwardly in two separate chairs (mine had wheels) because they don't have a couch. when i left i wasn't sure whether i had salvaged it and i wasn't sure i wanted it salvaged. but he said he would call me this afternoon because he had made plans for us tonight - plans he hadn't shared with me.

he never called.

around 7 he texted me to see if i was home - i told him i was getting a pedicure, so he didn't respond and still no call. i finally texted him and asked where he was. at that point it was almost 8 and he said he was on his way to the priesthood session.

now it is after 10 and he hasn't called, hasn't texted me and i assume that means we are done. not sure how i feel about that since i really don't want to be with someone with so little respect for me that he can't let me know that he is cancelling plans.

persistence

Persistent: 1) continuing, esp. in the face of opposition, etc.; 2) continuing to exist or endure; 3) constantly repeated.

Persist: per = through + sistere = cause to stand; 1) to refuse to give up, esp. when faced with opposition; 2) to continue insistently; 3) to endure; remain.

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do -- not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . . You must do the thing you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"No coward soul is mine. No trembler in the world's stormtroubled sphere."
-Emily Bronte
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