Tuesday, December 06, 2005

turning point

I have been living in New York for six months now and I have not really been content with the social scene. None of it has really appealed to me. I would receive an invite to this party or that dinner or a movie with one hodge-podge group or the other and was not really finding my element. But as a singleton, one must keep forging on - testing out this group and that hoping to find the right mix. I knew I had developed a bad attitude and I could not articulate what it was. But I generally went to things out of obligation or knowing if I turned down too many invites. . . the well would dry up and the invites would stop completely.
December hit hard - I ended up with social engagements (obligations) Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday in the first few days of the month! Tired of trying to fit and conform myself to what others expected, I tried something different - I was myself. Not that the other times I wasn't myself. I was just a different version of myself -- the part I thought was easier to accept in those surface, small-talk type social situations. Apparently I was wrong. I wasn't a fan of that version of myself. I always sat back inside my head somewhere wondering where the "safe" social persona emerged from and wondered how to turn her off. She was quiet, reserved and sometimes nervous and self-conscious! That is not me. I'm a type-A, red personality who loves being the center of attention, cracking jokes and being loud. But somehow I turn boring when things get socially awkward. I was turning into a social recluse. No fun.
I eased into my string of social activities with a bridal shower Thursday and built up to birthday parties Friday and Saturday night and ended with non-stop social stop-offs on Sunday. I was floating through the weekend enjoying my debut into society as me - really me - when I started noticing the reaction of others, especially Saturday night. Girls I thought I knew and had spent time with thought I was a different person. They were surprised by my uninhibited dancing, flippant remarks and shameless flirting. Somehow I found my comfort zone and allowed the real me to escape. The next couple of weekends have more holiday parties - including a fancy, formal party as well as a shin-dig of my own. I am hoping the boring, socially awkward me doesn't rear its ugly head again and I can retain the confidence and comfort that allows me to be me.
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